Today you are being asked to look back over your writing this term and choose your favourite example. You will need to say why it is your favourite in one of the boxes below. You will also need to show that you have responded to a comment from the teacher by changing (improving) something in your writing.
Copy and paste or type your chosen example in this box below.
Chapter 1 It was a cold, stormy night the wind was howling as the big waves slapped against the rocky mountain. The Taylor family that lived in the house up on the mountain were looking down at the scary scene. "Hey look!" Said Luke "What? Said Ella in confusion "Look at the big wave coming in" Yelled Luke in fear. "It's getting closer and closer every second, what are we going to do!" Screamed Ella as she grabbed Luke's hand and squeezed it tightly. Suddenly, the house started to shake as everyone screamed Aaaahhhhhh! SPLASH! The house fell into the water. Ella and Luke were holding hands even tighter than before. Mum and dad grabbed Ella and Luke and swam to the island only about 11 metres away from the sunken house.(They would always go there in an emergency). Chapter 2 They all dragged their body up onto the sand and took deep breaths as they were all soaking wet. "Hey what's that?" Yelled Ella in excitement. "I don't know, it looks like some sort of an underwater town!" Said Luke confused but you could see he was pretty excited at the same time. "Kids don't be silly, wait is that a shopping mall!" Said mum starting to believe. "Um am I seeing things or are there people down there all ready. "Oh my! I see them all right. Wait a second they are breathing. "Well let's go have a look!" Said Ella with attitude "Yeah, can we please!" Begged Luke "Fine I guess we can have a quick look" said Mum. Chapter 3 They were all underwater in at least a second, but something wasn't right. I mean like the town and houses was there and everything but... They could breath. They stood there in confusment. "Hey Luke we're here!" Said Ella in her normal voice. "Ella I can hear you perfectly. "No I can hear you perfectly!" "Kids we can hear everyone OK!" "Now are we going to explore or keep on arguing!" Yelled dad They all tried to swim but randomly they could walk. It's like they were trying to swim when they were perfectly walking underwater. It was exactly the same as being on land but they were breathing underwater; and they're going to find out how. Chapter 4 The Taylor's walked for about 2 and a half hours having no luck. The city was ENORMOUS! they walked about 2 hours out of it and there's still markets, malls, parks, restaurants and everything. Suddenly they came across this sort of tube. Luke, the youngest crouched down and looked up the tube all he saw was sky and air nothing else. They solved it! the big tube went from the underwater town all the way to a big air tank that put air to breath down the tube and into the water. The air was somehow very powerful and strong and it stayed underwater for everyone to breathe. |
I chose this example because:
I chose this example because I think I structured the start, middle and end really well. I also think this was my best because I used really strong describing words and I tried to make the reader wanting to know more about the story and getting excited for the next chapter. Even though this isn't the very full story (I am still working on it) I think these 4 chapters were pretty settled out and exciting to read. |
Comment from the teacher:
You have structured your writing very well Sophie. I also really enjoyed the way you are experimenting with new and interesting vocabulary. You have a few tense errors in your writing. I am sure you will be able to spot them if you read back over your writing. Some are just missed word endings (eg live should be lived) and others are word forms their (they’re) which should read they were. Can you spot them and others? |
How I used the information in this comment to improve my writing:
Thank you Mrs Wilburn. I used this comment by reading back and I tried to fix up the little mistakes I made along the way. |
What I need to work on now to improve my writing:
I think I need to work on remembering to skip a line before and after I write a different speech and to look carefully about different word tenses and word forms. |
WILF:
I use a mixture of short and joined sentences in my writing. Sometimes use sentences with conjunctions at the start.
I sometimes use different sentence forms deliberately to get the reader’s attention.
I use ‘tense’ (past, present or future) correctly.
I use capital letters, full stops, exclamation marks and question marks correctly without being reminded..
I sometimes use list commas, apostrophes for contractions and speech marks.
Writing Task: Today you have attended your first tennis lesson. Write a recount about your experience. You can either use the starter sentence to start your writing or make one up of your own. |
Starter sentence:
At 9.30 we put on our hats and lined up outside our classroom.We started walking to the court.Finally we got to the court and saw the net and the tennis Man.He told us to get a yellow racket so I walked over to to the rackets and what do you know there was no more! So I told the Man and he said to grab a orange racket.My buddy Emily had to get a Orange racket too.So we got a racket and headed over to the white line.Then we all quickly raced to get a tennis ball and raced back.He said hello We said hello back then he started too teach.He taught us a lot of things.There was really hard stuff and a little easy stuff. It was so much fun!!! We were playing a game and we had to throw up our balls spin around a catch it again. Suddenly I looked up and a ball hit me on my nose. It was ok though it hurt a little but I didn't cry. It was really fun I loved it.
